Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
