I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize