the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize