I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
