Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
