I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
