Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
