we have pet lesbian snakes
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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