you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
