Don't make out with my wife yet
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
