We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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