hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize