There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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