I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
