no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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