Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
