pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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