When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
