I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
