Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize