She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
