My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
