you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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