i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
