Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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