it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
