I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
