I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
