Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
