Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Randomize
