Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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