It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
