Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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