how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
