Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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