my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
