Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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