Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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