she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize