I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
