So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
