Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
