if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
