I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
