Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
