Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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