I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
