Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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