I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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