btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
