Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
