I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
