just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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