My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
