Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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