Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
