i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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