I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
