My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
