We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
