every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
