I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
